Let’s be blunt. This will be the substance of tonight’s debate as seen by me.
Martin O’Malley: “Please please notice me, I’m an actual alternative to Hillary who was born after Peter Paul and Mary was formed who does’t have a theme song written before the invention of the video game.” So if you really want to stop Bernie Sanders and don’t want a woman less honest than Richard Nixon whose husband is a rapist pick me!”
Hillary Clinton: “Bernie Sanders is a SOCIALIST, you got that a S-O-C-I-A-L-I-S-T which mean he believes in absolutely every single thing the Democrat Party says it believes in but really means it as opposed to wanting to use it as a platform to enrich himself and others. We can’t win with a person like that at the top of the ticket, plus I have tits and not because I’m a fat guy who plays video games all day or something but real ones!”
Bernie Sanders: “I believe in taking every single possible dollar from the rich people who built businesses, did and created things that society uses for their advancement. People who managed large staffs, handled payrolls and have done so in an environment where they are vilified and attacked for it and redistribute it to folks who have not while allowing government to take their cut because Government so much smarter than those guys. More importantly I really mean it as opposed to my unnamed opponent who is a lying, dishonest opportunist who has enriched herself on government, none of which I’m not going to say outloud because you all know it but we can’t admit it because then someone might vote for an icky Republican.”
Moderator Chris Cuomo: “The only reason we’re having a debate tonight is because the DNC that insisted that they had plenty of debates decided it was vital to protect Hillary Clinton and we’re happy to get the potential ratings. For myself I’m duty bound as a member of the MSM to protect our Red Queen from the Even Redder King but my family hates the Clintons almost as much as Obama does so I’m completely torn here. so Martin O’Malley you’re in for a grilling tonight.”
Pundits Afterwards: “Unless Hillary really blows it, and I mean really blows it by saying something like: ‘Yes not only did I leave those guys in Benghazi to die but I used my emails to send the attackers the satellite data to help kill them and planned the attack myself (not that we care since they were likely icky conservatives anyway’ We will declare how well she did and how it’s the beginning of her comeback to save the campaign in any way possible. If that meme is just too unbelievable or if Bernie has a great we’ll push Martin O’Malley as having the debate of his life in the hope that some democrat who doesn’t already know the baggage’s baggage might somehow to take their vote for Sanders and give it to him.”
I could be wrong here, but I doubt it.