The International union of Thieves, Pickpockets and Thugs: IUTPT has released the following letter concerning recent developments in Cleveland, Minneapolis and elsewhere.
“Hand over the loot”
We of the International Union of Thieves, Pickpockets and Thugs IUTPT national office (Washington DC) would like to express out heartfelt thanks to the Minneapolis Lynx of the WNBA and Isaiah Crowell of the Cleveland Browns for their actions that have resulted in the withdraw and/or threatened withdrawal of police protection for their franchise events.
Our members livelihood depend on a decreased police presence at venues where they operate. By taking steps to discourage police from serving at these locations they ensure that those of us who depend on finding vulnerable marks at sporting events, those who hope to find resellable merchandise in parked cars and those of us who just wish to blow off steam by beating on some passerby can be assured that they can do so without worry as to the intervention of police.
We would on behalf of our pickpocket division also like to give special shout out to Beyonce whose efforts to persuade police to avoid her concerts have given them access to thousands of yuppie wallets and credit cards that might otherwise have been unobtainable.
and of course we don’t want to forget both employees at Zaxby’s Dairy Queen for tampering with officers food. The less likely that police are to attend one of their locations the more likely our members will be able to operate there in a safe worry free environment, at least for them.
The most important thing to us as a union is to be sure that our members can pursue their trade freely and without hinderance. We would encourage not only Black Lives Matter, but sports figures, restaurant employees, celebrities, pols in general and this administration to continue their tireless efforts to continue to demoralize police and the institutions of justice so that we, the criminal element can continue to reap the benefits of a truly lawless society.
We will remember come election day.
Your friends of the IBTPT
“Hand over the Loot
This is of course a parody but I suspect it will not be long before it becomes reality.
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