Emma Lindsay: A Missing Consideration and an Untapped Resource

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Emma Lindsay: A Missing Consideration and an Untapped Resource

Shel­don Cooper:But you do bring up an inter­est­ing point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.
Leonard Hof­s­tadter: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a cof­fee shop or a museum. Meet peo­ple. Talk to them. Take an inter­est in their lives.
Shel­don Cooper: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.
Leonard Hof­s­tadter: Where are we going?
Shel­don Cooper: You’re dri­ving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that sum­ma­rizes the cur­rent the­o­ries in the field of friendmaking.

The Big Bang The­ory The Friend­ship Algo­rithm 2009

This piece at Stacy McCain’s site con­cern­ing Emma Lind­say has really stuck with me:

She dated a series of boyfriends until she was in her mid-​20s, at which point she decided she was actu­ally bisex­ual, spent three years dat­ing les­bians and, as she has said, con­vinced her­self she was a vic­tim of “the het­ero­nor­ma­tive brain­wash­ing of soci­ety.” How­ever, Ms. Lindsay’s les­bian rela­tion­ships turned out the same way as her ear­lier rela­tion­ships with men — i.e., fail­ure — and, after a two-​year roman­tic hia­tus, she decided to sub­ject her­self once more to the insid­i­ous forces of patri­archy. What is her like­li­hood of het­ero­sex­ual suc­cess, at age 32, if she always failed with men when she was younger? Or to look at it from a dif­fer­ent angle, why would a man be inter­ested in a woman who has not only been rejected by all her pre­vi­ous boyfriends, but has also been deemed an unsuit­able part­ner by lesbians?

This lat­est shift seems about the desire for a child and has left her with a prob­lem the quest is not going well because appar­ently the peo­ple she is meet­ing just aren’t as con­sid­er­ate as she is:

When I date peo­ple, I devote a lot of effort to mak­ing their lives bet­ter. When I’m with women, I read about health issues that effect les­bian demo­graph­ics (higher rates of breast can­cer, obe­sity, and depres­sion.) When I’m with men, I read about health issues that effect straight men (coro­nary issues, blood pres­sure, and emo­tional issues esp. around anger.) When I date peo­ple of color, I research POC health/​discrimination/​etc. issues, espe­cially issues around dat­ing white peo­ple (mental/​health effects of inter­nal­ized racism, insti­tu­tion­al­ized racism, the types of micro-​aggressions I may be likely to com­mit.) When I date peo­ple with less money, I pay for shit. When I date peo­ple who are messy, I orga­nize their shit (even though I’m also really messy.) When I date peo­ple with phys­i­cal lim­i­ta­tions, I mas­sage their shit (weird Emma past: I went to mas­sage school.)

Her efforts have all come down to two choices in her quest for motherhood:

As far as I can tell, I have 2 options. Option 1 is “trap­ping” some guy into hav­ing kids with me because he lacks the self aware­ness to plan for it him­self. This would also involve tak­ing his last name, doing most of the house­work while con­tribut­ing 50% to the earn­ings, and fak­ing my orgasms so he doesn’t have to feel emas­cu­lated by his lack of sex­ual prowess.

Option 2 is hav­ing kids by myself.

It would involve some sac­ri­fices, like prob­a­bly not liv­ing in San Fran­cisco. How­ever, every time I go on a date with some man-​child, I become more and more con­vinced that those sac­ri­fices are prob­a­bly the less bad option.

Stacy sums up this con­clu­sion here:

Her pro­posed “Option 2” — pay for donor sperm, “becom­ing a sin­gle mother by choice” — is a child­ish threat: “If you don’t play by my rules, I’m going to take my uterus and go home.” To which the world’s male pop­u­la­tion will gen­er­ally react with a shrug of indifference.

“Dam­aged goods,” they’ll say, and if Emma Lind­say were an iso­lated excep­tion, a lone kook howl­ing at the moon, per­haps I’d shrug, too. Yet the fact is that Ms. Lind­say is part of a tide of human wreck­age wash­ing up on the shores of our sin-​sick soci­ety, the flot­sam and jet­sam cre­ated by the dis­in­te­gra­tion of America’s for­merly Chris­t­ian culture.

While I agree this entire sit­u­a­tion reeks of the dis­in­te­gra­tion of America’s Chris­t­ian Cul­ture I think Stacy is miss­ing a key point con­cern­ing Miss Lindsay’s screed a con­sid­er­a­tion that is com­pletely ignored in her calculations.

The good of her child.

You can look high and low, but in all her cri­tiques of the var­i­ous men she is con­sid­er­ing none of said cri­tiques include: Would this man be a good father? Would he put our child first? Would this man be a good role model for our child?

Nor does she seem to be all that con­cerned about what she would bring to the table. She talks about hav­ing to give up San Fran­cisco and alludes to other unnamed sac­ri­fices but nowhere is the real­iza­tion that once you have chil­dren your life and your com­mit­ment belongs to them. Their well-​being, their edu­ca­tion, feed­ing them, cloth­ing them, steer­ing them along the right path. All of this con­sid­er­a­tions would seem to be job one.

Where is all her research on what makes a healthy and happy child who will grow up to be a respon­si­ble mem­ber of adult society?

In the days of my youth, these con­sid­er­a­tions went with­out say­ing, today with the sex act com­pletely divorced from its actual func­tion of pro­cre­ation it seems her MIT edu­ca­tion has not pre­pared her to ask this com­pletely obvi­ous question.

There is good news how­ever for Miss Lind­say. She has access to an excel­lent resource on this sub­ject, as evi­denced from an ear­lier piece of hers con­cern­ing the moment the gen­eral pub­lic dis­cov­ered her writ­ing:

Then, the day after, I got 75 thou­sand views, and I called my parents.

“Are you ok?” they asked, “How are the trolls? Are you get­ting trolled?” Then, “Why did you never tell us about this? You know you can tell us anything.”

She has (or at least at the time of that writ­ing did have) two par­ents who are appar­ently there for her. I’d sug­gest sit­ting down with these par­ents and hav­ing a long talk with them on the sub­ject. They will almost cer­tainly give the best advice they can on this deci­sion and can do so with prac­ti­cal exam­ples from both their and her own expe­ri­ences. And while I may or may not agree with what said advice might be, I’m cer­tain it will flow from their uncon­di­tional love for their daughter.

Me I’d sum things up in two sen­tences: The secret to a suc­cess­ful mar­riage is putting up with each other foibles dur­ing the 95% of the time when noth­ing too excit­ing (good or bad) is going on.

As for Par­ent­hood; The secret to being a good par­ent is lov­ing your child enough to be will­ing to enforce an unpleas­ant rule or speak an uncom­fort­able truth even when it hurts.

No Charge


The Lay­off bleg con­tin­ues. with 5 days to go we’re $1515 away from the goal to make August ded­i­cated to the blog, the new radio show (shows?) and events.

This blog is a ven­ture in cap­i­tal­ism that depends pri­mar­ily on read­ers. You can help finance this by pick­ing up my new book Hail Mary the Per­fect Protes­tant (and Catholic) prayer is now avail­able at Amazon

A por­tion of every sale will go to WQPH 89.3 Catholic Radio) or show your approval by Hit­ting DaTipJar




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and if you really want to help for the long term con­sider sub­scrib­ing and get my book as a premium


Choose a Sub­scrip­tion level



And as I’ve said before if you can’t spare the cash we will be happy to accept your prayers.

Sheldon Cooper:But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.
Leonard Hofstadter: No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.
Sheldon Cooper: That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where are we going?
Sheldon Cooper: You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.

The Big Bang Theory The Friendship Algorithm 2009

This piece at Stacy McCain’s site concerning Emma Lindsay has really stuck with me:

She dated a series of boyfriends until she was in her mid-20s, at which point she decided she was actually bisexual, spent three years dating lesbians and, as she has said, convinced herself she was a victim of “the heteronormative brainwashing of society.” However, Ms. Lindsay’s lesbian relationships turned out the same way as her earlier relationships with men — i.e., failure — and, after a two-year romantic hiatus, she decided to subject herself once more to the insidious forces of patriarchy. What is her likelihood of heterosexual success, at age 32, if she always failed with men when she was younger? Or to look at it from a different angle, why would a man be interested in a woman who has not only been rejected by all her previous boyfriends, but has also been deemed an unsuitable partner by lesbians?

This latest shift seems about the desire for a child and has left her with a problem the quest is not going well because apparently the people she is meeting just aren’t as considerate as she is:

When I date people, I devote a lot of effort to making their lives better. When I’m with women, I read about health issues that effect lesbian demographics (higher rates of breast cancer, obesity, and depression.) When I’m with men, I read about health issues that effect straight men (coronary issues, blood pressure, and emotional issues esp. around anger.) When I date people of color, I research POC health/discrimination/etc. issues, especially issues around dating white people (mental/health effects of internalized racism, institutionalized racism, the types of micro-aggressions I may be likely to commit.) When I date people with less money, I pay for shit. When I date people who are messy, I organize their shit (even though I’m also really messy.) When I date people with physical limitations, I massage their shit (weird Emma past: I went to massage school.)

Her efforts have all come down to two choices in her quest for motherhood:

As far as I can tell, I have 2 options. Option 1 is “trapping” some guy into having kids with me because he lacks the self awareness to plan for it himself. This would also involve taking his last name, doing most of the housework while contributing 50% to the earnings, and faking my orgasms so he doesn’t have to feel emasculated by his lack of sexual prowess.

Option 2 is having kids by myself.

It would involve some sacrifices, like probably not living in San Francisco. However, every time I go on a date with some man-child, I become more and more convinced that those sacrifices are probably the less bad option.

Stacy sums up this conclusion here:

Her proposed “Option 2” — pay for donor sperm, “becoming a single mother by choice” — is a childish threat: “If you don’t play by my rules, I’m going to take my uterus and go home.” To which the world’s male population will generally react with a shrug of indifference.

“Damaged goods,” they’ll say, and if Emma Lindsay were an isolated exception, a lone kook howling at the moon, perhaps I’d shrug, too. Yet the fact is that Ms. Lindsay is part of a tide of human wreckage washing up on the shores of our sin-sick society, the flotsam and jetsam created by the disintegration of America’s formerly Christian culture.

While I agree this entire situation reeks of the disintegration of America’s Christian Culture I think Stacy is missing a key point concerning Miss Lindsay’s screed a consideration that is completely ignored in her calculations.

The good of her child.

You can look high and low, but in all her critiques of the various men she is considering none of said critiques include:  Would this man be a good father?  Would he put our child first?  Would this man be a good role model for our child?

Nor does she seem to be all that concerned about what she would bring to the table.  She talks about having to give up San Francisco and alludes to other unnamed sacrifices but nowhere is the realization that once you have children your life and your commitment belongs to them.  Their well-being, their education, feeding them, clothing them, steering them along the right path.  All of this considerations would seem to be job one.

Where is all her research on what makes a healthy and happy child who will grow up to be a responsible member of adult society?

In the days of my youth, these considerations went without saying, today with the sex act completely divorced from its actual function of procreation it seems her MIT education has not prepared her to ask this completely obvious question.

There is good news however for Miss Lindsay.  She has access to an excellent resource on this subject, as evidenced from an earlier piece of hers concerning the moment the general public discovered her writing:

Then, the day after, I got 75 thousand views, and I called my parents.

“Are you ok?” they asked, “How are the trolls? Are you getting trolled?” Then, “Why did you never tell us about this? You know you can tell us anything.”

She  has (or at least at the time of that writing did have) two parents who are apparently there for her.  I’d suggest sitting down with these parents and having a long talk with them on the subject.  They will almost certainly give the best advice they can on this decision and can do so with practical examples from both their and her own experiences.  And while I may or may not agree with what said advice might be, I’m certain it will flow from their unconditional love for their daughter.

Me I’d sum things up in two sentences:  The secret to a successful marriage is putting up with each other foibles during the 95% of the time when nothing too exciting (good or bad) is going on.

As for Parenthood; The secret to being a good parent is loving your child enough to be willing to enforce an unpleasant rule or speak an uncomfortable truth even when it hurts.

No Charge


The Layoff bleg continues. with 5 days to go we’re $1515 away from the goal to make August dedicated to the blog, the new radio show (shows?) and events.

This blog is a venture in capitalism that depends primarily on readers. You can help finance this by picking up my new book Hail Mary the Perfect Protestant (and Catholic) prayer is now available at Amazon

A portion of every sale will go to WQPH 89.3 Catholic Radio) or show your approval by Hitting DaTipJar




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and if you really want to help for the long term consider subscribing and get my book as a premium


Choose a Subscription level



And as I’ve said before if you can’t spare the cash we will be happy to accept your prayers.