A Dinner Reservation at the Woke Arms Restaurant

Readability

A Dinner Reservation at the Woke Arms Restaurant

Maitre’D: Good Evening. Wel­come to the Woke Arms. Do you have a reservation?

Reilly: Yes Reilly party of six?

Maitre’D: Ah yes, Reilly, party of six for din­ner at 7 PM [looks at watch] 5:30 PM, you’re right on the dot! If you will all fol­low me please.

Reilly: [fol­low­ing down a long cor­ri­dor] Yes I was mean­ing to ask you about that? Why is it that we have to arrive at 5:30 PM for a 7 PM reservation?

Maitre’D: Why to give you time to fill out the ques­tion­naire, if your party can step though here please and take a seat in front of the screens.

Reilly: Questionnaire?

Maitre’D: Yes, here at the Woke Arms we pride our­selves on inclu­sive­ness to all races, creeds and sex­ual ori­en­ta­tions etc, so nat­u­rally we need to con­firm your sta­tus as suf­fi­ciently woke if you are to dine at our restau­rant. After all we can’t have any per­son whose opin­ions might are unac­cept­able in our estab­lish­ment, if you would sign in please.

Reilly: Sign in?

Maitre’D: Yes a name and full address so we can cross check you with pub­lic records of polit­i­cal con­tri­bu­tions over the last 20 years to make sure that at no time were any of your dol­lars spent to sup­port the wrong sort of peo­ple. We’ll also need your twit­ter and insta­gram names and any names you used to com­ment on blogs or mes­sage boards to be sure you haven’t posted any­thing online incon­sis­tent with our stan­dards. While that check is run­ning you can begin the ques­tion­naire on the next tab

Reilly: [ Click­ing Over ] But there are over 200 ques­tions here!

Maitre’D: Two hun­dred and seven at the moment to be precise.

Reilly: At the moment?

Maitre’D: Why yes, the def­i­n­i­tion of being woke is very fluid and we have to be sure our clien­t­age meets the cur­rent accept­able stan­dard of wok­e­ness at any given moment.

Reilly: Kinder­garten Cop? What on earth his that?

Maitre’D: Ah yes most of our under 40 patrons don’t rec­og­nize it. that’s a film from 1990. There is a par­tic­u­lar scene in where a child claims boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. If a per­son is not suf­fi­ciently out­raged by it then obvi­ously such a per­son is not sub­ti­tle clien­tele for the Woke arms

Reilly: [Scrolling down] And this ques­tion. “Did you at any time oppose Gay Mar­riage after May 9th 2012? May 9th 2012, why that date in particular?

Maitre’D: Well, that was the day Pres­i­dent Obama pub­licly came out for gay mar­riage so nat­u­rally any fail­ure to pub­licly sup­port gay mar­riage after that date would be con­sid­ered unac­cept­able and since Barack Obama was clearly not a bigot we must pre­sume that any Demo­c­rat or inde­pen­dent, who didn’t come out for gay mar­riage before that date was wait­ing for the President’s lead. Repub­li­cans nat­u­rally would be fil­tered out long before they got to that question.

Reilly: Nat­u­rally, And this ques­tion con­cern­ing Pope Fran­cis, it changed on the screen just now, right as I was about to answer it.

Maitre’D: Yes, unfor­tu­nately Frances’ pro­nounce­ments can be so var­ied by the day that it can be a tri­fle chal­leng­ing. we’ve had the same prob­lem with Star­bucks cof­fee chain as well.

Reilly: [skim­ming through the rest] I can see why you need that 90 min­utes, but at least when we get through these ques­tion we’ll know we are din­ing with the right people.

Maitre’D: That’s our guar­an­tee. It’s why we have screens at the tables so updated ques­tions can be posed between courses on the off chance some­one inap­pro­pri­ate makes it to table. In fact a suc­cess­ful night din­ing here is a require­ment on job appli­ca­tions for many gen­der stud­ies depart­ments and diver­sity pro­grams nationwide.

Reilly: My God, that’s what I call being woke! Very well done, we’re all proud of you!

Maitre’D: [Voice sud­denly drop­ping] I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you and you’re party to leave.

Reilly: Leave! Us? WHY?

Maitre’D: One can not invoke a deity with­out doing so in the con­test of sup­port­ing undoc­u­mented immi­gra­tion, except for Allah of course.

Reilly: But.… but… what about din­ner, and what about our rep­u­ta­tions?

Maitre’D: Well we will accept a future reser­va­tion once we receive proof of a con­tri­bu­tion of at least $5,000 to the Demo­c­rat National Com­mit­tee and to Black Lives Mat­ter. As for din­ner, there is always the hot dog wagon just out­side side door across the street. Funny, they seem to do a very good busi­ness, I can’t imag­ine why.

Maitre’D: Good Evening. Welcome to the Woke Arms. Do you have a reservation?

Reilly: Yes Reilly party of six?

Maitre’D: Ah yes, Reilly, party of six for dinner at 7 PM [looks at watch] 5:30 PM, you’re right on the dot! If you will all follow me please.

Reilly: [following down a long corridor] Yes I was meaning to ask you about that? Why is it that we have to arrive at 5:30 PM for a 7 PM reservation?

Maitre’D: Why to give you time to fill out the questionnaire, if your party can step though here please and take a seat in front of the screens.

Reilly: Questionnaire?

Maitre’D: Yes, here at the Woke Arms we pride ourselves on inclusiveness to all races, creeds and sexual orientations etc, so naturally we need to confirm your status as sufficiently woke if you are to dine at our restaurant. After all we can’t have any person whose opinions might are unacceptable in our establishment, if you would sign in please.

Reilly: Sign in?

Maitre’D: Yes a name and full address so we can cross check you with public records of political contributions over the last 20 years to make sure that at no time were any of your dollars spent to support the wrong sort of people. We’ll also need your twitter and instagram names and any names you used to comment on blogs or message boards to be sure you haven’t posted anything online inconsistent with our standards. While that check is running you can begin the questionnaire on the next tab

Reilly: [ Clicking Over ] But there are over 200 questions here!

Maitre’D: Two hundred and seven at the moment to be precise.

Reilly: At the moment?

Maitre’D: Why yes, the definition of being woke is very fluid and we have to be sure our clientage meets the current acceptable standard of wokeness at any given moment.

Reilly: Kindergarten Cop? What on earth his that?

Maitre’D: Ah yes most of our under 40 patrons don’t recognize it. that’s a film from 1990. There is a particular scene in where a child claims boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. If a person is not sufficiently outraged by it then obviously such a person is not subtitle clientele for the Woke arms

Reilly: [Scrolling down] And this question. “Did you at any time oppose Gay Marriage after May 9th 2012? May 9th 2012, why that date in particular?

Maitre’D: Well, that was the day President Obama publicly came out for gay marriage so naturally any failure to publicly support gay marriage after that date would be considered unacceptable and since Barack Obama was clearly not a bigot we must presume that any Democrat or independent, who didn’t come out for gay marriage before that date was waiting for the President’s lead. Republicans naturally would be filtered out long before they got to that question.

Reilly: Naturally, And this question concerning Pope Francis, it changed on the screen just now, right as I was about to answer it.

Maitre’D: Yes, unfortunately Frances’ pronouncements can be so varied by the day that it can be a trifle challenging. we’ve had the same problem with Starbucks coffee chain as well.

Reilly: [skimming through the rest] I can see why you need that 90 minutes, but at least when we get through these question we’ll know we are dining with the right people.

Maitre’D: That’s our guarantee. It’s why we have screens at the tables so updated questions can be posed between courses on the off chance someone inappropriate makes it to table. In fact a successful night dining here is a requirement on job applications for many gender studies departments and diversity programs nationwide.

Reilly: My God, that’s what I call being woke! Very well done, we’re all proud of you!

Maitre’D: [Voice suddenly dropping] I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you and you’re party to leave.

Reilly: Leave! Us? WHY?

Maitre’D: One can not invoke a deity without doing so in the contest of supporting undocumented immigration, except for Allah of course.

Reilly: But…. but… what about dinner, and what about our reputations?

Maitre’D: Well we will accept a future reservation once we receive proof of a contribution of at least $5,000 to the Democrat National Committee and to Black Lives Matter. As for dinner, there is always the hot dog wagon just outside side door across the street. Funny, they seem to do a very good business, I can’t imagine why.