How To Be A Successful Blogger

Readability

How To Be A Successful Blogger

While look­ing for some­thing else, I ran across a post from my old NASCAR blog (sigh … miss those days) that despite a few out­dated pop cul­ture ref­er­ences, updated for this post, still rang true. So, with­out fur­ther ado I bring to you advice from some thir­teen years ago I only wish I would have fol­lowed back in the day, for if I had I’d be POP­U­LAR!!! Or something.

I’ve long stud­ied this strange and semi-​unique phe­nom­e­non known as the blo­gos­phere, and while going through the archives I have reminded me of var­i­ous facts; nuggets of wis­dom picked up along the way. So, as part of my offer­ing to you, I now pass along this one thing that, when fully applied, will for­ever trans­form your existence.

I’m going to tell you how to be a suc­cess­ful blogger.

There are those well-​meaning but mis­guided indi­vid­u­als who con­fuse suc­cess with such non-​issues as, oh, qual­ity. Balder­dash! Suc­cess as a blog­ger has noth­ing what­so­ever to do with writ­ing some­thing of qual­ity or in any fash­ion worth read­ing. No, suc­cess is mea­sured only by pub­lic vis­i­bil­ity. You think peo­ple lis­ten to “Baby Shark” because of its artis­tic merit? I rest my case. The sole pur­pose of blog­ging is to sell your­self, and sell your­self well.

To sell your­self well means estab­lish­ing and main­tain­ing the high­est pos­si­ble vis­i­bil­ity. This can be done by fol­low­ing any or all of these meth­ods known to be sure-​fire cyber­space firestarters:

#1. Pol­i­tics, pol­i­tics, pol­i­tics. Not every­one can do sports or celebrity gos­sip. And let’s face it — no one cares about your angst over rela­tion­ships past and present; they’re too busy with their own. (Actu­ally, they’re too busy look­ing for free porn, but let’s not go there.) Thought­ful analy­sis? Informed, sober opin­ion? Oh p’shaw! That dog won’t hunt. So what’s left? Easy!

Find a fringe and fill it. Left or right work equally well. Whichever side you choose, though, make sure you locate the outer edge and pack it full. Remem­ber, when it comes to get­ting your name out there bom­bast is bliss. Bring on the bile. Name-​calling? Manda­tory. Insult­ing nick­names for those you oppose? De rigueur. Rewrit­ing the exact same post or tweet five hun­dred times? No prob­lem! It’ll take the dullards that many rep­e­ti­tions to get it through their thick skulls that you are the one true overlord.

Let your read­ers know you and you alone hold the keys to the king­dom, occa­sion­ally mak­ing a pass­ing nod to other blog­gers and such of sim­i­lar mind­set but never relin­quish­ing the dic­tum of you being The One. Noth­ing hap­pens with­out your say-​so. The scales upon which the bal­ance of power is mea­sured reside in your hand. All must know if they want any part of the action, they’re well advised to hop on board with you or for­ever look on from a dis­tance, cut off from the halls of power. After all, you’re a blog­ger with read­ers! What more evi­dence do you need who’s boss?

Not get­ting the read­er­ship you know you deserve? Your pearls of wis­dom from on high (imma­te­r­ial whether or not you believe there’s an on high — fig­ure of speech here, okay?) being cast before swine, and worse yet not nearly enough of them? Relax. Commenting’s the key! Embrace your inner troll. Find a social media high-​flyer, be it Twit­ter or Face­book or blog­ger or Insta­gram or what have you, where the expressed views are the exact oppo­site of yours, and start fir­ing away. Nom­i­nally on “your” side but not march­ing in lock­step with you? All the bet­ter! Show you’re the true conservative/​liberal/​libertarian/​whatever around these parts. Don’t let a thread go by with­out jump­ing in wear­ing full bat­tle gear. Attack, attack, attack. Twit­ter is espe­cially well suited to this. Pull in quotes and com­ments that sup­port your view whether they have any­thing to do with the topic on hand or not as long as they sound good. Other com­menters take umbrage? Sar­casm equals suc­cess! Don’t bother refut­ing their puny argu­ments; they’re not worth the time. Why should a supe­rior being such as your­self waste time in this fash­ion with such dullards? Instead, sling it and sling it good! Pro­fane plays on their screen names are always effec­tive. That’ll show ‘em … and drive ‘em by the droves to your blog.

#2. There are always sports, or celebrity gos­sip, which in fact are the same thing. Just because every­one can’t do a sports page doesn’t mean you can’t. In either case, the approach is the same: never let the facts get in the way of a good snark. After all, no one actu­ally goes to a sports page to read about (ugh!) sports. It’s all about the U as in Y-​O-​U. Parade your bril­liant wit for all to see. Rip’n’roll, baby! Tell Steph Curry he can’t play bas­ket­ball to save his life. Insin­u­ate Mike Trout must be juiced because he’s too good of a ballplayer for any other pos­si­ble expla­na­tion. Call that 65″ two hun­dred and eighty pounds of pure mus­cle line­man a wuss. Sure-​fire Top Of The Pops ticket-​punchers!

Hate some­one — indi­vid­ual ath­lete, team, sport in gen­eral — with a hater’s hate? Not a prob­lem. Ignore every­thing they do well, since if you don’t say any­thing it didn’t hap­pen, and fire full broad­sides at any lit­tle slip. Don’t for­get to ques­tion their sex­ual pref­er­ence on either the indi­vid­ual or group level, with a “oh but I per­son­ally believe in equal­ity” alibi at the ready. Strike up the band, strike a pose, and say it loud — you’re the story and you’re proud!

#3. Crazed com­men­ta­tors. The more peo­ple you have play­ing Pavlov’s dogs to your every word — on your site, that is — the bet­ter. A com­ment thread sim­ply isn’t a com­ment thread with­out a few dozen huz­zahs for you. And what course of action should be under­taken if some­one wan­ders by and dares to voice an oppos­ing view­point? Grab some pop­corn and pull up a chair to watch the fur fly as your min­ions tear into the poor unfor­tu­nate (but no doubt ask­ing for it) soul like a wolf­pack on wounded prey. Oh yes — make sure you show your peo­ple the love. Once in a while toss in a “now calm down” accom­pa­nied by a know­ing nudge nudge wink wink. You’ll be all the more revered for it.

#4. Eas­ier does it. Why knock your­self out writ­ing your own mate­r­ial? In addi­tion to the ever-​popular method of riff­ing at length on any given MSM story, adding the all-​important “me too” and/​or “F U” to things because oth­er­wise not a soul on this earth would know the proper reac­tion, many top-​flight blog­gers have dis­cov­ered a far smoother path to tread on their way to star­dom. Sim­ply spend your time trolling every­one else’s blogs, then put together a post with links to same. Once in a while offer a sen­tence or two of your own, the snarkier the bet­ter as you dog­pile on the day’s des­ig­nated whip­ping boy, but for the most part sim­ply keep those post links a-​comin’. Read­ers will flock to your site and sing your praises for your bril­liance in bring­ing this essen­tial ser­vice to one and all. After all, how will any­one find any­thing on the Inter­net if you don’t tell them it’s there?

#5. Out-​MSM the MSM. No one watches or lis­tens to or reads the news media any­more, nor should they unless by some mir­a­cle some­one therein catches the vision and responds by doing an appro­pri­ately fawn­ing arti­cle on you. Yet, if no one’s watch­ing or lis­ten­ing or read­ing, they’re not going to know what’s going on, now are they. What to do? Be the bringer! Slav­ishly note every every­thing being said or done that’s reported on by those so-​called pro­fes­sion­als, then recre­ate it all for your blog. Noth­ing pro­claims you’re got your fin­ger on the pulse of what’s what and who’s hot than telling the story the way it should have been told in the first place if only those jeal­ous naysay­ers in the media would admit your total supe­ri­or­ity and pro­found wis­dom which you demon­strate by repeat­ing every­thing they say … your way. After all, noth­ing screams pow­er­ful writer than post after post con­sist­ing of noth­ing but quotes and/​or full-​blown copy and pastes of other people’s social media and/​or MSM con­tent. Those key­board com­mands aren’t going to work them­selves, people.

#6. Bombs (of the f– and s– vari­ety) and biki­nis. Want to make that hit counter hot­ter than Ari­zona in July? Two keys. Noth­ing pumps up the pub­lic pro­file like pro­fan­ity, as it shows you’re a rugged indi­vid­u­al­ist stick­ing it to The Man. And you can’t go wrong with girlie pics, no mat­ter the sub­ject of your blog. Biki­nis being sug­ges­tively pulled at equals blo­gos­phere boom, baby!

Fol­low the above for­mula, and fame plus even­tual for­tune are yours for the tak­ing. Of course, you could always try such meth­ods as writ­ing from the heart, doing your best to cre­ate some­thing worth read­ing, and doing what you do out of love …

… but you’ll never get the love of this world that way.

While looking for something else, I ran across a post from my old NASCAR blog (sigh … miss those days) that despite a few outdated pop culture references, updated for this post, still rang true. So, without further ado I bring to you advice from some thirteen years ago I only wish I would have followed back in the day, for if I had I’d be POPULAR!!! Or something.

I’ve long studied this strange and semi-unique phenomenon known as the blogosphere, and while going through the archives I have reminded me of various facts; nuggets of wisdom picked up along the way. So, as part of my offering to you, I now pass along this one thing that, when fully applied, will forever transform your existence.

I’m going to tell you how to be a successful blogger.

There are those well-meaning but misguided individuals who confuse success with such non-issues as, oh, quality. Balderdash! Success as a blogger has nothing whatsoever to do with writing something of quality or in any fashion worth reading. No, success is measured only by public visibility. You think people listen to “Baby Shark” because of its artistic merit? I rest my case. The sole purpose of blogging is to sell yourself, and sell yourself well.

To sell yourself well means establishing and maintaining the highest possible visibility. This can be done by following any or all of these methods known to be sure-fire cyberspace firestarters:

#1.  Politics, politics, politics. Not everyone can do sports or celebrity gossip. And let’s face it — no one cares about your angst over relationships past and present; they’re too busy with their own. (Actually, they’re too busy looking for free porn, but let’s not go there.) Thoughtful analysis? Informed, sober opinion? Oh p’shaw! That dog won’t hunt. So what’s left? Easy!

Find a fringe and fill it. Left or right work equally well. Whichever side you choose, though, make sure you locate the outer edge and pack it full. Remember, when it comes to getting your name out there bombast is bliss. Bring on the bile. Name-calling? Mandatory. Insulting nicknames for those you oppose? De rigueur. Rewriting the exact same post or tweet five hundred times? No problem! It’ll take the dullards that many repetitions to get it through their thick skulls that you are the one true overlord.

Let your readers know you and you alone hold the keys to the kingdom, occasionally making a passing nod to other bloggers and such of similar mindset but never relinquishing the dictum of you being The One. Nothing happens without your say-so. The scales upon which the balance of power is measured reside in your hand. All must know if they want any part of the action, they’re well advised to hop on board with you or forever look on from a distance, cut off from the halls of power. After all, you’re a blogger with readers! What more evidence do you need who’s boss?

Not getting the readership you know you deserve? Your pearls of wisdom from on high (immaterial whether or not you believe there’s an on high — figure of speech here, okay?) being cast before swine, and worse yet not nearly enough of them? Relax. Commenting’s the key! Embrace your inner troll. Find a social media high-flyer, be it Twitter or Facebook or blogger or Instagram or what have you, where the expressed views are the exact opposite of yours, and start firing away. Nominally on “your” side but not marching in lockstep with you? All the better! Show you’re the true conservative/liberal/libertarian/whatever around these parts. Don’t let a thread go by without jumping in wearing full battle gear. Attack, attack, attack. Twitter is especially well suited to this. Pull in quotes and comments that support your view whether they have anything to do with the topic on hand or not as long as they sound good. Other commenters take umbrage? Sarcasm equals success! Don’t bother refuting their puny arguments; they’re not worth the time. Why should a superior being such as yourself waste time in this fashion with such dullards? Instead, sling it and sling it good! Profane plays on their screen names are always effective. That’ll show ’em … and drive ’em by the droves to your blog.

#2.  There are always sports, or celebrity gossip, which in fact are the same thing. Just because everyone can’t do a sports page doesn’t mean you can’t. In either case, the approach is the same: never let the facts get in the way of a good snark. After all, no one actually goes to a sports page to read about (ugh!) sports. It’s all about the U as in Y-O-U. Parade your brilliant wit for all to see. Rip’n’roll, baby! Tell Steph Curry he can’t play basketball to save his life. Insinuate Mike Trout must be juiced because he’s too good of a ballplayer for any other possible explanation. Call that 6’5″ two hundred and eighty pounds of pure muscle lineman a wuss. Sure-fire Top Of The Pops ticket-punchers!

Hate someone — individual athlete, team, sport in general — with a hater’s hate? Not a problem. Ignore everything they do well, since if you don’t say anything it didn’t happen, and fire full broadsides at any little slip. Don’t forget to question their sexual preference on either the individual or group level, with a “oh but I personally believe in equality” alibi at the ready. Strike up the band, strike a pose, and say it loud — you’re the story and you’re proud!

#3.  Crazed commentators. The more people you have playing Pavlov’s dogs to your every word — on your site, that is — the better. A comment thread simply isn’t a comment thread without a few dozen huzzahs for you. And what course of action should be undertaken if someone wanders by and dares to voice an opposing viewpoint? Grab some popcorn and pull up a chair to watch the fur fly as your minions tear into the poor unfortunate (but no doubt asking for it) soul like a wolfpack on wounded prey. Oh yes — make sure you show your people the love. Once in a while toss in a “now calm down” accompanied by a knowing nudge nudge wink wink. You’ll be all the more revered for it.

#4.  Easier does it. Why knock yourself out writing your own material? In addition to the ever-popular method of riffing at length on any given MSM story, adding the all-important “me too” and/or “F U” to things because otherwise not a soul on this earth would know the proper reaction, many top-flight bloggers have discovered a far smoother path to tread on their way to stardom. Simply spend your time trolling everyone else’s blogs, then put together a post with links to same. Once in a while offer a sentence or two of your own, the snarkier the better as you dogpile on the day’s designated whipping boy, but for the most part simply keep those post links a-comin’. Readers will flock to your site and sing your praises for your brilliance in bringing this essential service to one and all.  After all, how will anyone find anything on the Internet if you don’t tell them it’s there?

#5.  Out-MSM the MSM. No one watches or listens to or reads the news media anymore, nor should they unless by some miracle someone therein catches the vision and responds by doing an appropriately fawning article on you. Yet, if no one’s watching or listening or reading, they’re not going to know what’s going on, now are they. What to do? Be the bringer! Slavishly note every everything being said or done that’s reported on by those so-called professionals, then recreate it all for your blog. Nothing proclaims you’re got your finger on the pulse of what’s what and who’s hot than telling the story the way it should have been told in the first place if only those jealous naysayers in the media would admit your total superiority and profound wisdom which you demonstrate by repeating everything they say … your way. After all, nothing screams powerful writer than post after post consisting of nothing but quotes and/or full-blown copy and pastes of other people’s social media and/or MSM content. Those keyboard commands aren’t going to work themselves, people.

#6.  Bombs (of the f- and s- variety) and bikinis. Want to make that hit counter hotter than Arizona in July? Two keys. Nothing pumps up the public profile like profanity, as it shows you’re a rugged individualist sticking it to The Man. And you can’t go wrong with girlie pics, no matter the subject of your blog. Bikinis being suggestively pulled at equals blogosphere boom, baby!

Follow the above formula, and fame plus eventual fortune are yours for the taking. Of course, you could always try such methods as writing from the heart, doing your best to create something worth reading, and doing what you do out of love …

… but you’ll never get the love of this world that way.