circlesby baldilocks

Let’s talk about sex. Don’t get your hopes or anything else up.

Yesterday, Drudge linked to a Telegraph article entitled “Have we forgotten how to have normal sex?” The author goes on about all the types of things which were once considered abnormal and are now “normal.” And you, know what? Reading about it is, to me, totally uninspiring.

I’m single and will be 55 years old in a few months. Just yesterday I had been thinking about the topic, and the three men I’ve tried to have a relationship with in the last decade— all younger—who were down with the New Normal and decided that I would rather remain single and celibate than have to deal with any of this sort of thing outside of marriage and even within it, if it’s focal point of the union.

Most of this attitude is due to being a follower of Christ, but not all of it. Before my conversion—and even, regrettably, for some time afterward–I certainly was not a good little virtuous girl. But there are certain things I did only with my former husband and I have been divorced for over 20 years. For me, it has always been a matter of trust.

And there’s another matter. The New Normal seems to have become the “real” sex and those of us who prefer the old normal have become “prudish” or “frigid.” I have been labelled both; the latter is laughable, but the former needs some unpacking.PrudeDefinition

Nudity isn’t shocking to this adult. But I really don’t care about seeing anyone nude, even myself. (This will change, should I remarry.) And the Internet has made nudity ubiquitous, tiresome, and nearly unavoidable, especially if one has a social media account. People like Kim Kardashian seem to think that public nudity is “empowering”—as if showing the world that you have the same equipment as billions of other humans imbues power over others. Bored, not shocked.

As for being shocked with matters related to sex, I’m not shocked about the large amount of information I have about the old normal version of sex, nor small amount of information I have about the New Normal versions. However, I just find obsession about orgasm in all its forms to be pointless. Orgasms feel great, of course, but what is the point of making a few seconds of physical pleasure the be-all and end-all of life?

Wilt Chamberlain is reported to have had thousands of women as sexual partners. Many men—and women—have been envious of that “achievement,” even more than of Chamberlain’s basketball achievements. But, to me, Chamberlain’s sexual conquest convey something else: an inability to be satisfied, along with an inability to form any lasting mental, emotional, and/or spiritual connection with a potential mate (Chamberlain was never married.) I find that depressing; it’s like looking for happiness by standing in one spot and spinning in a circle over and over again for decades. Wilt could have consulted King Solomon on this topic.

Consenting adults should do what they want and how they want to, but you and I know that the “not my circus; not my monkeys” attitude long ceased being enough. Then it was that New Normal needed to be approved of and celebrated. But now that’s not enough either.

Now you have to embrace the New Normal for yourself or there is something wrong with you. I refute this for myself and I’ll bet many others do as well, including one man out there whom God has picked for me.

Juliette Akinyi Ochieng blogs at baldilocks. (Her older blog is located here.) Her first novel, Tale of the Tigers: Love is Not a Game, was published in 2012. Her second novel will be done in 2016. Follow her on Twitter.

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All a woman needs if she want to cheat on her husband is to go to a bar and look at a man

Tim Imholt

At Gizmodo using data analysis discovered something that should have been obvious to any person familiar with human nature

Overall, the picture is grim indeed. Out of 5.5 million female accounts, roughly zero percent had ever shown any kind of activity at all, after the day they were created.

The men’s accounts tell a story of lively engagement with the site, with over 20 million men hopefully looking at their inboxes, and over 10 million of them initiating chats. The women’s accounts show so little activity that they might as well not be there.

The key was the data the user could not see.

Ashley Madison employees did a pretty decent job making their millions of women’s accounts look alive. They left the data in these inactive accounts visible to men, showing nicknames, pictures, sexy comments. But when it came to data that was only visible on to company admins, they got sloppy. The women’s personal email addresses and IP addresses showed marked signs of fakery. And as for the women’s user activity, the fundamental sign of life online? Ashley Madison employees didn’t even bother faking that at all.

This is something any person who has dated or tried to date knows instinctively but our TV culture tries to teach us otherwise:

An awful lot of advertising dollars are dependent on convincing men that buying a particular product or doing a particular show will get you in bed with the “hot girl.” Movie after movie is sold on the premise of a sex with a hot girl for the loser guy (Ted) the fat guy (The King of Queens) or the Nerd Guy (The Big Bang Theory) having Sex with the smoking hot girl.

Do this, watch this, act like this and you will have a lifestyle where you will be having sex with hot women.

Let me explain reality, it’s something most guys know, but deny:

Unless you are in incredible shape, have a lot of money, are famous, are powerful, or are in a position that allows you to confer money fame or power on someone odds are not going to have sex with the hot chick, you are not going to get a date with the hot chick and there is an excellent chance you will never ever be noticed by the hot chick unless the hot chick is dancing around a pole and you are sticking dollar bills in her g-string.

Now as I pointed out before the “hot girl” the 10 or the 9.99 who is on the far side of the bell curve on beauty might not be a 10 or a 9.99 on the “good wife” or “caring person” or “good companion” scale but any person on the Ashley Madison site was not looking for those things.  They were looking for sex because for whatever reason the sex they were (or were not) having in their marriage was, in their minds insufficient for their needs.

They went to Ashley Madison because they actually fell for the cultural meme that sold them on the idea that there was, despite all their personal experience , a supply of women who were looking to cheat on their husbands and needed a web site to find a man to do it with.

That they fell for such an obvious falsehood displays the truth that Samuel Clements one stated:

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse. He will go to any length for it-risk fortune, character, reputation, life itself

He left out one fact.  Man will convince himself of anything if it justifies a course of action that they believe will lead to sex.


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If you haven’t seen it yet, a video of a young woman walking in areas of New York City for ten hours has made quite a splash. It is supposed to show How Women Are Constantly Harassed on the Street.

Maybe the advertisers are trying to tell me something, but every time I’ve watched it, it’s preceded by car ads – luxury cars at that (two Lexus, one Volvo). Not only am I not on the market for a car, I believe that you have to be insane to own a car in Manhattan.

But I digress.

The young woman (age in the mid-twenties to early thirties?) in the video is Caucasian, dressed in NYC casual uniform of black jeans and t-shirt, and numerous men during her 10 hour walk say hello, many say “God bless you”, a couple say “damn” (which among some in the Big Apple is the equivalent of hello) to her, about which we are supposed to be outraged.

The creepy ones were two guys who walked along with her, one silently for five minutes, another one trying to pick her up (and failing miserably). At that point, I wondered how much of the video was staged (I also want to know what camera they used, since it doesn’t shake).

As it turns out,

The one dude who turns around and says, “Nice,” is white, but the guys who do the most egregious things—like the one who harangues her, “Somebody’s acknowledging you for being beautiful! You should say thank you more,” or the one who follows her down the street too closely for five whole minutes—are not.

So, what “Hollabck! a non-profit dedicated to ending street harrassment” ended up doing is looking, shall I say it, “raaaaacist.”

Apparent from the video is also the fact that the men involved are not working. I wonder what the video would have been like if she had moseyed down Water Street, Wall Street, and the financial district, where everybody is on the job – even the guys girl-watching.

Heartiste of the pick-up manosphere looked at the video and titled his post “10 Hours Of Walking In New York City As A Racist White Woman.” Not one to mince words, his review is crude at times, but accurate in this,

Catcalling, if you couldn’t already tell, is mostly a non-asian minority thing. Only Mediterranean whites like Italians come close to expressing the… unsolicited robust amour… of blacks and guapos. And even then, the Italians in America catcall with a stylishness far removed from the ghetto version. It’s so rare for white men that I can’t honestly remember the last time I saw one catcall like those loping suitors in the video.

I’ve walked through numerous neighborhoods in the five boroughs, and that has been my experience, even in my advanced age.

However, to generate real outrage, the people of Hollaback! ought to have tried being a female American tourist traveling alone in Italy in the 1970s. They would have had their butts pinched enough times that they would had needed to edit the video standing up.

Aggressive catcalling does wear thin at times. Heartiste, again, makes a valid point,

The closest analogy for a man would be having to tolerate homeless bums begging for handouts every block.

but the Funny or Die guys went for the gusto,

Hey Harvard! Hey Harvard! Wanna network? Wanna network with me?

Sing it, Brenda!

Fausta Rodriguez Wertz writes on U.S. and Latin American politics, news and culture at Fausta’s Blog. She learned to handle catcalls by age 14, having grown up in Puerto Rico.

Old Man:   As for women, I became indifferent when I was 83. 

The Magnificent Seven 1960

 There are better things to fantasize about than teams of men

Dos Equis Ad 2013

This is a post I didn’t anticipate myself writing. I don’t watch “Girls” I think I’ve seen bits of one episode while channel surfing. It’s not really my type of show and frankly I don’t care all that much about it.

But part of the debate on the nudity in the show caught my eye.

Here is the Q & A that prompted a post from Smitty & all the fuss:

Q: “I don’t get the purpose of all the nudity on the show by you particularly. I feel like I’m walking into a trap where you go, ‘Nobody complains about the nudity on Game of Thrones,’ but I get why they’re doing it. They are doing it to be salacious and, you know, to titillate people. And your character is often naked just at random times for no reason.”

A: “It’s a realistic expression of what it’s like to be alive, I think, and I totally get it. If you’re not into me, that’s your problem, and you’re going to have to kind of work that out with whatever professionals you’ve hired.”

It seems odd to me that in an era where everything is sexualized that people, would care if about the sex in Girls in general & Lena Dunham having sex in particular

So I sat down, turned on the TV and put on S2 Ep1 of Girls and watched it pausing my writing of this piece until it was done.

While there were a few interesting lines such as this exchange:

You’re not being that nice to me so I don’t really understand why you even want to have me around.

When you love someone you don’t have to be nice all the time

…I found a bunch of characters that I just plain didn’t like or care about…which would explain the necessity for all the sex.

As for the sex and nudity let’s be blunt:

It’s a neural objective fact that A show with a regular supply of naked women having sex is going to have a higher viewership floor than one without.  That truth is the entire basis of career choices by women from Tami Erin to Farrah Abraham.

As a general rule men like naked women. We start liking them at or just before our teen years and it usually takes death or advanced age for us to stop. Therefore as a long married 50 year old guy if Lena Dunham chooses to display herself naked in front of me, I like most men, am going to look. Smitty put it well:

Lena, Lena, Lena: your show is pure vanity, in the truest Ecclesiastes sense of the word. While falling short of waxing moralistic, can we just get to some honesty about your cheap show? It’s a cheap show, cheaply exposing cheap flesh for a cheap audience. You’ve got more “cheap” than an aviary. Be honest about that. Just admit “Yeah, I’m getting my nudist on for the eyeballs.” I’m not saying it makes you any more or less evil than anyone else. I’m saying that your insistence that flashing boobies is some kind of “expression of what it’s like to be alive” is a risible pile of bollocks.

I would think the other side of the culture war would consider that a big plus.  More sex less religion etc… so what’s the issue?

I think they’re worried because Girls destroys the illusion that the film/movie/ad industry is built on.

An awful lot of advertising dollars are dependent on convincing men that buying a particular product or doing a particular show will get you in bed with the “hot girl.” Movie after movie is sold on the premise of a sex with a hot girl for the loser guy (Ted) the fat guy (The King of Queens) or the Nerd Guy (The Big Bang Theory) having Sex with the smoking hot girl.

Do this, watch this, act like this and you will have a lifestyle where you will be having sex with hot women.

Let me explain reality, it’s something most guys know, but deny:

Unless you are in incredible shape, have a lot of money, are famous, are powerful, or are in a position that allows you to confer money fame or power on someone odds are not going to have sex with the hot chick, you are not going to get a date with the hot chick and there is an excellent chance you will never ever be noticed by the hot chick unless the hot chick is dancing around a pole and you are sticking dollar bills in her g-string.

There are of course exceptions to his rule (Susanna Fleetwood and her husband instantly come to mind) and guys celebrate them but generally speaking odds are that when you find a woman who is willing be naked and have sex with you she is more likely to look like Lena Durham than Kaley Cuoco

Now there is nothing wrong with that.  A person may have a single above average “hotness” feature but on the bell curve of hotness most people naturally find themselves in the middle of the curve. Furthermore the place a person occupies on the hotness bell curve has no bearing on where you’re located on the niceness curve or the good husband/wife curve etc etc etc…

But if your entire industry and modus operandi is based on your customer base not realizing those basic facts than a show like Girls, if it becomes culturally established,  goes from a cutting edge presentation to a danger to your entire way of life..  Something that everybody in the industry might feel a whole lot better if it just went away.

Now you might say: “DaTechGuy you’re making a lot of fuss about an obscure HBO show that you and most of your readers don’t watch.” That might be true, but then again, how many people expected Duck Dynasty to be the downfall of GLAAD when it first premiered?

Update: Stacy McCain opines

Alas, beauty is an objective reality. Beauty is not culturally imposed. In no culture do men prefer Lena Dunham to Kate Upton.

The rage expressed by Dunham’s producers is the customary indignation of the Left — “How dare you?” — when someone calls attention to facts that contradict their belief system.

He notes the tweets of the day

Update 2: “just pain didn’t like”  should have been “just plain didn’t like” but “pain” is almost as accurate.


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I saw this article, via Glenn, and I was simply in disbelief.

Apparently there are couples who have sex during labor and delivery. Did you hear me? Let me phrase it another way just to be sure I got the point across. There are actually women who have sex with their husbands in the hospital either while they’re in the midst of labor — or shortly after giving birth to their babies.

Not being a medical person my objections were purely in the ICK category and I was going to write a piece along those lines, then I spoke to my wife who has been a registered Nurse for 27 years.

While sharing the ICK factor “Don’t tell me a woman wants to get back in the saddle immediately after birth!. the first words out of her mouth when I mentioned the article were: Air Embolis

Here is what medical news today says about Embolism

An embolism in a medical context refers to any large moving mass or defect in the blood stream. An air embolism is an air bubble trapped in a blood vessel.

Why is that a danger? read on.

When an air bubble travels along an artery, it moves through a system of blood vessels that gradually become narrower. At some point, the embolus will block a small artery and cut off the blood supply to a particular area of the body.

and this can be fatal:

For venous air embolisms, death may occur if a large bubble of gas becomes lodged in the heart, stopping blood from flowing from the right ventricle to the lungs

And there are specific examples of this as can be found in Postgraduate Medical Journal.

We describe the cases of two young women who died due to air embolism during sexual intercourse early in the puerperium.

Puerperium meaning…

: the period between childbirth and the return of the uterus to its normal size

Listen I’m an old married man, it will be 25 years in April and I’m a big fan of sex in marriage, but even the best sex in the world is not worth risking the mother of your children particularly at the very start of one of their lives. To do so is the definition of selfishness and narcissism.

Take a deep breath, a cold shower and just walk away.

…but after seeing all the exchanges from Attila’s post and Ace’s update combined with Stacy’s post last night reminded me of this story from my youth.

There were two different crowds I hung with, one was a Massachusetts crowd from high school and one was a NH crowd I met in college. The NH crowd was less sober but generated a whole bunch of very interesting stories.

They would do various pickup stunts. One of the guys would try to pick up a girl at a bar, when she turned him down the others standing at the door would loudly hum the Old Spice theme, toss him a bottle, He would put on the Old Spice and as the girl was laughing he would ask her out again (still didn’t work but it was a laugh)

One of the most interesting stunts they would do was to find a woman at a bar, go up to her and directly ask her if she would sleep with him.

Before the girl could hit him or tell him to get lost, he would ask to explain. He would say that normally he would make small talk, maybe buy a few drinks, perhaps a meal and invest an entire night and only at the end of it find out if he was going to actually get laid, which was the whole idea.

This way she has no illusions about him and he doesn’t waste the whole night on a wild goose chase.

Two things would always happen after this. The girl would agree he made sense, and would tell him to get lost.

Given the times I wonder what the result would be today?

A person my age or older would be familiar with the term “Shotgun Wedding”. The idea being that a man who got a girl pregnant would be forced by the father of the girl, Shotgun in hand to the altar for the wedding. That line of thinking is in keeping with the idea Stacy McCain advanced about the the economics of love. Roxeanne DeLuca in comments also advanced this very Judeao-Christian idea:

These days, men think there’s just women you sleep with, that’s it. And pardon me if I think that, as a WOMAN, I should have the grounds to say, “If this isn’t emotional for you, if you could do this with any woman, or any woman with the right equipment and the right attitude, then I don’t want it from you.”

As it is, though, we’re expected to act like prostitutes, without the benefits and without the emotional reserve. When sexually loose women are “nice girls”, or tell you that they are, men WILL expect ALL nice women to be sexually loose.

The 60’s revolution ended this bigtime and some are still paying the price but there is one thing about this way of thinking that needs to be pointed out.

The entire idea of the shotgun wedding or the threat of the shotgun wedding is to protect the women and restrain the man. The idea being the man might think twice before trying to be a player if he know that it means he will have to follow through.

In this age of contraception and abortion those restraints are gone and the feminists of the left cheer this abandonment of the traditional Judeao-Christian meme as a triumph for women no matter the result.

There is however another side of the coin that the feminist left isn’t too loud in condemning.

Afshan Azad, 21, who played Padma Patil, a classmate of the teenage wizard, in the blockbuster Hollywood films based on JK Rowling’s children’s books, feared for her life during the three-hour ordeal, Manchester Crown Court heard.

She was punched, dragged around by her hair and strangled by her brother Ashraf Azad, 28, who threatened to kill her after he caught her talking on the phone to her Hindu boyfriend on May 21 last year, the court was told.

During the row at the family home in Longsight, Manchester, which also involved her mother and father, she was branded a ”slag” and a ”prostitute” and told: ”Marry a Muslim or you die!”

Note the cultural difference here. The threats are not against the man, they are against the woman. The threat of violence is not against the man for the advances, it is against the woman. Either way the Judge hearing the case decided to make a statement about violence against women:

Judge Thomas added: ”This is a sentence that is designed to punish you for what you did and also to send out a clear message to others that domestic violence involving circumstances such as have arisen here cannot be tolerated.”

And so he sentenced the guy to….for six months after he pleaded guilty to the assault.

As Cubachi points out:

This is attempted murder, and he’s only getting six months? Azad’s case is well known throughout the world due to her celebrity status, however, this is occurring to young Muslim girls throughout the world who are deemed too “Westernized” or a betrayer to Islam.

Some on the right have highlighted this kind of thing, the left…not so much. Why the difference in reaction to the Judeao-Christian cultural norm and not the Islamic one? Why is one a sign of repressive patriarchy and the other just a cultural difference and any objection Islamaphobia?

It’s a good question and I’d love to hear the answer.

I knew there was a reason I liked this kid so much when I met him:

As a stand-up comedian, I’ve seen hacks openly depict the most depraved, explicit sexual acts they can think of just to get a laugh out of the audience. Clearly, telling wiener jokes is no longer the treading of new territory that it once was.

Funnily enough, today there is one area of sex that when discussed, still makes people’s posteriors pucker with discomfort… abstinence.

Every young woman should remember the line that follows.

Constantly we hear cries of women aimed at their supposedly overly jealous boyfriends, “What’s the matter? Don’t you trust me?”

No, he doesn’t. You slept with him on the first date and there is no reason for him to think that you wouldn’t do the same when a better offer comes along emphasis mine.

I actually had to use a variation of that piece of advice to a young lady years ago who was asking my advice about dating/sleeping with a married man. This kid has learned it in his 20’s. Well done.

Casey Fiano explains the facts of life to a generation of mothers who were so positive that they knew better than their parents they they retained that belief even after they left their teenage years:

One culprit for why girls are so hyper-sexualized these days can be traced right back to the extreme sex education being taught in our schools, with the charge being led by femisogynists to keep the sex ed coming. Girls have been taught by the adults in their lives to embrace their sexuality, have been lovingly encouraged to explore their sex lives in new and innovative ways. The feminist extremists gush about the brilliance of giving their daughters vibrators, they teach middle schoolers how to have good sex. Planned Parenthood distributes sexually explicit brochures to Girl Scouts and teach 10-year-olds about anal sex. Children are inundated about sex from extremely young ages about sex, something that the femisogynists encourage, and yet they can’t understand why teenage girls are sleeping around?

And mom’s if you were counting on us parents of boys to hold them back, you sure have high expectations. Those teenage boys and twenty something men are naturally hardwired toward the goal of scoring. Do you realize how hard it is for responsible parents to teach their sons to hold off be respectful when the message from the girls at school is “Get it Here!”?

You did this to yourselves. I have sympathy for your daughters but I have a very hard time having sympathy for you. You wanted to fight the culture wars to get rid of “puritanical” standards of your parents and church. Congratulations you won! Enjoy your prize!

I’ll include you and your children in my prayers.

Normally it takes a couple of generations for social disaster to take place, but combine an expanding media with the most powerful man in the world and the biggest megaphone in history and presto:

Most young adults agree penile-vaginal intercourse is sex, but less than one in five think that oral-genital contact counts as “having sex,” according to a 2007 survey of undergraduate college students.

And what pray tell could be the cause for this?

Researchers point to former President Clinton’s infamous statement, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” as the pivotal turning point in society’s changing views about oral sex. The attitude shift has been dubbed the “Clinton-Lewinsky” effect.

Congratulations Bill, you’ve given parents, doctors and counselors decades of work to deal with!

It started on National Review continued at Pajamas media, and now keeps up at Little Miss Attila:

Just “keep him fed,” and “give him sex.” Keep him fed? And give him sex on his own schedule? I like doing both of those things for my husband as much as the next girl, but most people have three meals a day, and at least one snack, plus that daily/weekly/monthly sex session . . . how many hours a day do these people recommend a woman devote to keeping her man, in addition to whatever she does to earn a living? That ain’t libertarianism—it’s slavery.

Bottom line here? Fun or not fun, in the end Porn is well sin. And as a rule sin should be avoided whenever possible. As far as sex in marriage, it’s actually a lot easier than outside of marriage since you only have to figure out one other person but like anything else it takes work and anything worthwhile usually takes work.

Update: Via Glenn Althouse takes a swing. It’s my experience that if you give a man an excuse ninety nine times of one hunderd he will take it.

We see Thomas Peters, the American Papist finding some holes in a study suggesting that Billy Joel’s statement that “Catholic Girls start too late” is wrong.

Turns out, that study was ridiculously flawed. In addition to having very serious phrasing and definition issues, turns out that the “study” was based on interviews with only 39 girls in 2001!

Where did they get their sample, next to the Girls Gone Wild Bus? Tom links to a further debunking here.

On a much less Catholic note Israellycool shares that the U.N’s John Holmes is distraught about the idea of Egypt blocking the smuggling tunnels to Gaza:

…while we are on the subject of frustration, do you know what I find frustrating? The fact that people like Holmes make no effort to understand Israel’s security concerns. Notice how the only “undesirable effect” of the tunnels is the effect “they’re having on the Gazan society and Gazan economy.” Forget about the smuggling of weapons used against Israelis.

John Holmes, you share more than a name with the porn actor. You both lack a moral compass.

As you can see Facebook death threats haven’t slowed Aussie Dave down one bit. I wonder if Mr. Holmes is putting any pressure of Egypt to open crossings on their side to let all these things through, after all didn’t Gaza belong to Egypt before 1967? Why is it Israel’s job to feed the people who want to kill them?

Finally Robert Stacy pays homage to Andrew Breitbart

…see if you notice the little “gotchas” that Noah Shachtman evidently feels compelled to intrude into the article, such as describing Breitbart as a “beefy 41-year-old” in the third paragraph.

Breitbart is over 6 feet tall and probably a lot less “beefy” than the average 41-year-old. Had he grown up in Alabama instead of Brentwood, Calif., some football coach would have spotted him in the school hallway and made an all-state linebacker out of him. His most remarkable feature is his blue eyes, which glare with a luminous intensity whenever he begins talking about anything he is passionate about. Yet Breitbart’s owlish eyes go unmentioned by Shachtman in favor of “beefy.”

Such are the little darts that Gulliver must suffer from the Lilliputians . . .

Both Breitbart and McCain can be described in the same way as Lincoln described Grant:

I can’t spare this man; he fights!

Yup that’s about right.