Sometimes It’s You

by baldilocks

[Uhura walks away and Bones walks up to Spock]

McCoy: You guys break up? What’d you do?

Spock: A typically reductive inquiry, Doctor.

 McCoy: You know, Spock, if an Earth girl says, uh, “it’s me, not you,” it’s definitely you.

— Star Trek: Beyond

I know you fellas hate the Friend Zone, but most guys I’ve relegated to that purgatorial habitation got there through their own misbehavior. They got demoted and if they wanted to remain in my life, they got friend-zoned. Their problem, not mine.

One guy, however, got Friend-Zoned immediately. He was nice, not bad-looking, polite, gainfully employed. But he did this one thing that drove me nuts. He would not respond pertinently to anything I said that was meaningful to me nor about topics where our opinions differed. It felt like he was sifting out the parts of me that were objectionable to him and only allowing himself to see those things which were agreeable to him.

But he was a gentleman. I don’t think we even held hands.

Simply put, I need to be listened to and I think most people – men and women – need this. Within limits. Limits.

I was reminded of this poor fellow when I read this: Feminist First Dates.

If you happen to find yourself on a first date with an intersectional feminist, expect to be taxed with such questions as:

Do you believe that Black Lives Matter? [Correct answer: Yes.]

How do you work to dismantle sexism and misogyny in your life? [You’d better have some specific examples on hand.]

What are your thoughts on sex work? [Ponder the contention that “being pro–sex worker [i.e., prostitute] is a necessary pillar of dismantling the patriarchy.”]

Do you think capitalism is exploitative? [There is obviously only one answer to this.]

And so on. For our money, however, the more pressing question any serious “intersectional feminist” embarking on this inquisitorial program should ask is, “Will I ever have a second date?

Whew boy. And people say I’m hard to get along with. I wouldn’t even Friend-Zone a guy who asked me this crap. Restraining Order Zone, maybe.

I know what most guys would do under such conditions. Running away as fast you can is an acceptable solution.

Juliette Akinyi Ochieng blogs at baldilocks. (Her older blog is located here.) Her first novel, Tale of the Tigers: Love is Not a Game, was published in 2012. Her second novel tentatively titled Arlen’s Harem, will be done one day soon! Follow her on Twitter and on

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