Falling asleep in front of the TV the other night, talking heads in my ears, yabbering about the polls — a grim Election Day for Trump and the Republicans in the apparent offing — a vision from the future then seeped into my mind. It came in the form of a news article, dateline: June 19, 2023.
“Former President Donald Trump celebrated Juneteenth today by announcing his candidacy for the Republican nomination, throwing the 2024 presidential race into chaos.
“After barbecuing spare ribs at rapper Ice Cube’s Bel-Air estate in celebration of the newly established federal holiday, Trump took to the mansion’s rooftop to make his big announcement before being whisked away by helicopter, a banner emblazoned with the nascent campaign’s slogan, “Put America Back Together Again,” trailing behind in the wind.
“’It’s time we dump that loser broad in the White House,’ Trump said, in apparent reference to President Kamala Harris. ‘All she’s done is lose, ever since she kicked my ass – which, really, she kicked Pence’s ass, if you wanna get technical. And she’s done nothing ever since, absolutely nothing, it’s really quite remarkable,’ he said. He then listed several things Harris did that he would immediately reverse, ‘Starting on Day One, or before, even,’ he promised.
“Among Trump’s proposals was to divide California into five separate states, a single state along the coast, and four states carved out of its more rural, more conservative interior. This, Trump promised, would cancel out the admission of North Puerto Rico, South Puerto Rico, and Washington, D.C. by the Democrat-controlled Congress in 2021. ‘The coast is iconic, you know, the California coast, I didn’t really think it should be broken up, so we’re keeping it as one state,’ Trump explained.
“Trump promised to increase the Supreme Court by twelve new Justices, and presented a list of forty judges he promised would be considered. ‘Twelve’s a good number, you know, twice as many as Kamala’s,’ Trump said, referencing the six new Justices Harris and the Democrats added to the Court in the spring of 2022.
“The reaction among Trump’s Republican rivals for the nomination was swift. Texas governor George P. Bush, who had been a frontrunner for the nomination once sought by his father, Jeb Bush, immediately announced he was withdrawing from the campaign. ‘I would not sully the good name of political campaigns by continuing to run for the same office as him,’ he intoned.
“Florida Senator Marco Rubio was more diplomatic. ‘I believe competition makes us all stronger,’ he insisted. ‘And no matter what office I may have in the future, I look forward to doing the work of the American people.’
“When asked about Trump’s announcement, President Harris laughed awkwardly. ‘As an American, he can do and say whatever he wants, and I’ve asked the FBI to put an immediate tap on his phone, as he is a known security threat,’ she said to reporters. The reporters had no follow up questions for her.
“In his announcement, Trump also promised to re-open all churches, which the Democrats had deemed ‘dangerous to science,’ free all Republican political prisoners currently housed in the federal prison at Alcatraz, and to review the status of former President Joe Biden, admitted to Walter Reed Medical Center in February 2021 and rarely heard from since.”
After waking up, I felt a little warm, and had to take my temperature. Can’t be too careful, what with the Wuhan floating around. Yeah sure, catching it’s unlikely, but in this world, anything’s possible.